(Sunday afternoon musings)
Catastrophizing:
Screenwriting a horrible movie of the future and watching it over and over in my head. Terrorizing my own self. Graphic anxiety. Yanking up the past.
What would it FEEL like to not do keep doing that?
Can you envision such a thing?
Do you believe you have a choice? Do believe that being able to make a choice is even POSSIBLE?
Okay. The vision -- A peaceful mind. The peace that passes all understanding. The fruit-of-the-Spirit-kind-of-peace. God gives me the spirit of power and of love, and of a sound mind. Not the spirit of fear.
So how is that going to happen, exactly? I ask myself. How do I get that spirit of love and of power and of a sound mind that God gives to people? How is this vision of fuller sanctification gonna happen??
Maybe by leaning in:
like a surfer leans into a wave
like a skier leans into a hill
like a hang-glider leans into an air-draft
How about soaking my mind in the opposites of my visceral fears: daily, hourly, minutely if necessary? The whatsoever things that are true. Let not your hear be troubled. My peace I give you. Fear not little flock... Doing it, writing these things on recipe cards and putting them in jean pockets, in the apron, in the car. Remembering, and replacing the horror film with what is good and with what I know for sure is true. Doing this like my life depends on it.
Like martial arts: seems when I go there, it is ok if I kick the padded thing wrong and stay up half the night with a bleeding, throbbing toe. It seems that it is ok to come in with bruises all over my legs. It is ok to be scared to take a running jump into the air for a summersault; I just need to get over it and do it. To feel sick to my stomach from the repeated rolls. For my bangs to get plastered with sweat. It is just not okay to quit. "But, wait a minute," I protest to a multi-blackbelted lady who is my age, but tougher. "What if the black-belt test is more than I literally, physically have the actual stamina, muscle energy to complete?" "Oh," she says, "you just keep on until you collapse". Me, taken aback: "And after all that, then you don't get your black belt?" She: "Oh yes, you can still get it. It's the spirit that Master Kim is looking for."
The spirit of it!! Do I go down kicking and fighting the sin that so easily besets me? Fighting, paradoxically, for this peace of the Spirit? I have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin. What is the difference? Honor is huge for the black belt. For spiritual change, what motivates me to press in so hard is that "the love of Christ constrains us." Jesus loves me. That He did so much for me, gave everything for me, that can be my motivating passion. He does not want me to be troubled. Or fear. Or be anxious. Seems too good to be true.
Why did Jesus go to the cross for me? "For the joy set before him." For the joy of redeeming me? For me being able to be with him forever? For me to see him sitting on the right hand of the throne of God?? Can I too strive for joy, and because I am so deeply loved?
Back to the leaning in, having the power of the metaphorical surfer's wave--GOD himself-- empowering my weak self--how do I get this, do this?
"Ask, and it shall be given unto you." "If you ask anything in my name, I will do it." (Jesus)
And so---Invoke the Trinity: the actual source of spiritual power.
The Love of the Father. Ask your Father, dear child. He gave up his beloved son for you -- will he not also freely give you all things?
The Savior, Jesus. Remember his blood shed... Ask. He will freely give, even if your faith is tiny like the little mustard seed.
The Holy Spirit. Implore to have His power in you in full measure. He groans for you. You are not alone in this. He is in your corner. He is in my corner.
And so, musings have been mused;
Thoughts have been thought.
Now prayers must be made
And battles must be fought.
If you are reading this and do not get it, this Christian thing, but you feel somehow drawn to it, please lean in. It is real, as real as the joy you may long for. Nothing else is more important than this.
